Variations on a theme from Funk

I’ve been in a funk the last few weeks. I don’t know exactly why or what precipitated this state but I’ve felt like I’ve been operating under the radar and feeling out of sorts. I know the news of late has been bleak and the weather has been heavy, thick, cloudy, and hot. All that influenced me, but this “funk” felt deeper than all that.

I’ve lived on this planet long enough to recognize when this is happening. The discipline of meditation and contemplative practices have given me the gift of insight to occasionally look at my situation from a neutral position—like I’m observing as a third party. And on mornings like today, when the air is finally clear, sunny, and bright, my clarity often re-emerges. I find myself looking back at the past but also understanding that the present moment is really all there is.

Living in the moment? Really?

This idea of living in the moment is glibly tossed around by people in my profession, myself included. It has become so buzz-wordy that I find myself using the term yet wondering if I actually understand it. Everybody lives “in the moment”—we have no choice, right? The moment is the moment and when else can we live?

My understanding of the intention behind this idea of living in the present moment is that it requires that we marshal all of our senses and then pay attention to them when we experience them. Don’t I always do that? Today I’m wondering if the answer to that question is “Maybe not”. Observing my time spent over the last few weeks has given me some insight into this question.

How I experienced my funk

Things I did during my funk: maintained my daily meditation, devotional, and breathing practices, experimented with water color paints each day, observed that the gold finches are back and they, despite their tiny little squeaky voices, can be gloriously loud.

The point of playing with watercolors was not to create great art but to play with the medium and see what happened (although I wouldn’t have objected had great art actually emerged). It’s easy to get lost in the moment when playing, and that is a great place to inhabit.

I visited the Hearts of Our People: Native Women Artists show at the MIA for a second time.

I dug in the dirt. I watched the final season of Orange is the New Black, prepared beet salad, prepared cucumber salad, prepared lots of dal, millet, and chard. I began drying my prairie sage in my front porch,

The scent of drying prairie sage is amazing. It is a lemony, lily-like scent, not unlike that of ylang-ylang oil. (The pink is echinacea purpurea)

I celebrated the birth of a new born baby and I grieved the deaths of too many innocents. I circle-sang and I finally listened to a segment of my friend Joe’s new Concert Climat CD.

I finally listened to the first piece of this set. The music has a fresh and spontaneous feel and and is well worth experiencing. I’m not sure how you can purchase it–I don’t see it on Amazon. I purchased it via the Septet’s Kickstarter campaign awhile back.

I bicycled downtown, walked in the neighborhood, had lunch with friends. I celebrated birthdays, watched debates with friends, and ate cake. And, tah dah, for the first time ever, I successfully completed a Tuesday Sudoku!

Proof of my victory over the Tuesday Sudoku. My friend Ryan taught me how to approach the Sudoku back in February and I worked at the Monday puzzle for months. Finally, I was able to graduate to Tuesday!

Why did it take a funk for me to experience all that?

The sun is shining today and I’m energized, am as optimistic as can be expected, and am feeling cheerful. Observing what transpired during my funk makes me I wonder if what I thought of as a “funk” wasn’t really my body’s way of ordering me to pay attention to all my senses, ignore the endless “shoulds”, trust my body, and to just “be present.” I’m wondering if, like a snake shedding its skin, I’m slowly shedding my layers of “shoulds,” and emerging refreshed and recharged. Could it be that I’m just not really accustomed to feeling the moment, to being present?

I am considering that maybe living in the present is a process of continual regeneration rather than just a thing. Maybe we all suffer (or have funks) and maybe variations on funks is the whole point. Maybe we are not supposed to function at peak happiness all the time, and maybe redemption from this suffering is found in the simple act of shedding our “should” skins and living in the moment. And maybe it’s not the answers that provide the insight, but the questions.

It all sounds lofty and feels profound, but it really isn’t. It’s just life. And today I, and everyone else on the planet, will go on with our day-to-day lives and maybe catch glimpses of the present moment. But, no matter the questions or answers, I’m passing on the Sudoku until next Monday. I don’t want to push my luck.